The Birth...

I have been trying for awhile to figure out how to tell you how gross birthing a child is, without being so graphic. So, how about a few cliff notes. Just prepare yourself- it aint pretty. My friend Jackie said it best, "it was like a horror show". Here we go.

Labor just sucks. You feel gross, people are coming in all of the time to "check you".  Which means jamming their fingers way up your lady parts. That's real fun. If your lucky you will go almost an entire day with out a shower or sleep topped off with the beautiful birth of your baby. I have concluded that it's more the concept that is beautiful not the actual birth and pushing. That, my friend is straight nasty. Blood, goop, and some other unidentified matter is now all over your bed, your baby and possibly you. Some doctors will just plop your baby right on your chest. Don't get me wrong, I would not trade that moment for anything, but wow- I'm kissing the head of my baby that just came out of an area I haven't seen in months! So, great, baby is here, back to normal, right? Bwahahaha. So wrong. At some point my doctor pulled, yes pulled, the placenta out and even commented on how nice it looked! Sick. Better than having to push it out like so many have to, I guess. After that, they will half clean you and your baby and try to get you on the toilet. This is where reality hit. The nurse whips out a spray bottle of sorts and a adult diaper. I'm not joking, this diaper went from right under my belly button all the way to the bottom of my back! She informs me that I am not allowed to use toilet paper for a few weeks, only the spray bottle. (Funny side story, I would pack mine around in the diaper bag and I left in a bathroom somewhere and had to find one that was similar from Rite-Aid! So make you sure you don't forget it anywhere!)  She then will stick a huge ice pack into your diaper. You'll get to sit on an ice pack for a few hours, feels pretty good to be honest. Makes sense now, but so gross. And, the adult diapers would become the greatest thing since sliced bread. Not even kidding, because there was  something lurking around the corner that you will be very thankful for adult diapers for.While I had some family visiting in the hospital, my uncle made me laugh and I had ZERO control over my bladder. I peed myself. And that wouldn't be the last time.  ( side note, if you are planning a having a baby, stock up on the thickest pads you can find prior to coming home from the hospital) Now, I really lucked out and didn't suffer from any tears or the dreaded hemorrhoid. Nor did I pass some poo with the all of the pushing. But, trust me, that isn't normal. Most women will need stitches and some Preparation H. My nurse was nice enough to check my butt a few more times before I left just to make sure there was no damage. Thanks? The next few times you use the restroom the nurse will want to measure how much your peeing, so they will put a little measuring cup under you. Drink as much water as you can after you give birth because they require a certain amount before you can be cleared.  If you know me then you know how modest I am and let me tell you, I had to get over that real quick. Also, it is so amazing that not long after you give birth you start to forget how crappy it really was, I suppose it's because if you remembered it clearly, you would never do it again.


I wish I would have had a blog like this to read prior to having a baby. Would have saved me a few stunned moments in the hospital.