When did the world get so scary? It feels like one big horror/natural disaster waiting to happen. It hasn't been this way for me until about seven and half months ago, which oddly enough is the same age as Penelope. Strange. I wouldn't say I lived 'fearlessly", but it was a lot less worrisome. My new found worries all started with that first drive home from the hospital. Holy scary drivers on the freeway! I was in the back with baby and Mako was driving us home via 405, a route we have taken daily for years without incident. Now that my sweet baby was in the back I was convinced someone was going to swerve into our lane and send us flying and rolling. Then I would be forced to crawl out of my overturn car and lift it up so we could get Penelope out. Yes, I would have the strength to lift a car 24 hours after giving birth ( or anytime, really). I remember feeling like Mako was driving 90 mph, and I snapped at him to slow down. He was barely going 60mph. This coming from a girl who would drive at least 70 everywhere. I was a changed woman at that point. When we got home new things came up. I'm not even lying when I say that I suddenly feared our apartment would collapse. Buildings in general now are at risk to me for falling. If I never have to drive in parking lot I would be okay with that. I try to only walk Penelope on side streets to avoid a car running off the road and hitting us. I have looked into getting a taser in case someone breaks in, not sure I would be able to use the metal bat I have next to my bed. That would take too much coordination in a moment of panic. Am I sounding crazy yet? It get's worse. I use to love windstorms. Now, I lay there and think about what I would have to do is a tree fell over onto our bedroom. Choking on Cheerios, drowning at swimming lessons, falling off the bed, ugh. These make me want to never feed her anything but liquid and to only bathe her in the sink.
Everyone that knows me, knows that I have a genuine irrational fear of zombies. So, I am sure you can imagine how I feel now that I would have to protect Penelope in a attack as well. I have a plan, so don't worry. Oh, and kidnappers better back off too, cause I will make you wish you never stepped foot near us.
It's funny sometimes when I out of no where when I ask Mako if the heater can cause a fire as we sleep, but other times my thoughts can get out of hand and I start living in fear, and I know that was not what was intended for me as a mom. I know there is a new sense of protection and responsibility I have, but I have to check myself a lot. Mama bear is a real thing, and if channeled correctly will only help me in our journey. God gave me her to raise her in love not fear. I"m going to say that again, I will raise her in LOVE, not FEAR.
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